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Submitted on
March 24, 2013
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189 (who?)
I wasn't ready for you. I was ready
for a brawl. I was ready to trade in the hand
I'd been dealt for new cards, all of them
the queen of hearts. I was ready
to fight my mother for the next four years,
to blow so many holes in our relationship that we're
still half-sunk & bailing water out of a boat
we don't recognise anymore.

I was ready for a drink. I was ready
to hit rock bottom & start digging, to put out
my own fire with dirt and a shovel. I was ready
to be the kind of shitty girlfriend that leaves
you hanging on the other end of the line
while I chain smoke cigarettes
in the rain,
to spend six years and counting
waiting for another man to hit me,
to stay up late every night deciding
whether to walk away this time
or close my eyes and take it.
I was a rabid dog in too-small skin, itching
to break everything around me
until I felt whole again.
I wasn't ready to be happy.
I was on hands and skinned knees crawling
towards the day that I would.

(lover asked me one day why it took us so many years to start dating.
I had so much life to live through first, I told him.)


this was sitting in a journal entry forever, but I thought maybe I'd post it.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-11-18
GuinevereToGwen Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2013  Student Writer
This is too beautiful for words. Words - lost - pretty - words - I should just stop trying, sighs. :heart:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
chancerox Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
hey you posted this on my birthday :) 

i really do adore this -- it's a lot of how i feel right now. there's too much life to live to settle down. 
CMBaggs Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013
MermaidInDisguise Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I am speechless. 

This is so raw, and so beautifully put; I'm not sure I could ever aspire to put so much emotion into so few lines. This really speaks to me. It''s fantastic.
SEwing0109 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD and I'm glad things worked out for you!
callme007 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013
WorldWar-Tori Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013   General Artist
So... I have had this open for hours and read and re-read and re-read over and over again. There aren't words I can properly form on this piece; I can relate to it, I understand it far too well, but there's only feelings. Which is awesome.

Congrats on the DD :heart:
AceOfStCanardKLy Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013   Artist
Spring, May of 2007.
Khatiah Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013
So beautiful and so TRUE. There are bad moments in life when you're expecting nothing, then someone comes and saves you, a perfect stranger who completely changes your life and it's like to be born again. Love does that, sometimes. Congratulations :) 
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