Devious Journal Entry

2 min read

Deviation Actions

this-epiphany's avatar
Published:
1.6K Views
I woke up one day and found
myself in love again.

---

I don't know. I don't know how this all
works, to be honest. I've never really done
this before. been in a stable, solid
relationship, one that doesn't promise
heartbreak around every corner. been happy
for long enough to know that it
ebbs and flows,
and that's normal. and okay.

and I think I brought it on myself,
too. cut my hair and flirted with the cute
girls and work and asked myself again
and again
and again whether I could really be happy
with a guy forever, not taking a breath
for long enough to realise that I'm in love
with a fucking person,
not a gender.

the thing is, some people -
I mean me - spent so much time
coming out, carving a place in the world
for myself, fighting with my mother
for years and years
and counting, losing and gaining friends,
rediscovering all these facets of myself
that I spent a whole lifetime hiding away...
so much of my sense of self is tied up
with that process. I fought and cried
and bled for myself, fighting
to get here. I feel sometimes like I'm
losing something.

but then I have to stop and realise
that I'm essentially reducing the entirely
of my self into this one single aspect
of who I am. I am seriously telling myself
that my worth and value is based on my
sexual orientation. and that's stupid.
and it's part of who I am for sure, but man.

besides. I was standing in the kitchen today
in my knickers and a tank top, only one leg
shaved because my back hurt too much
to shave the other one, sipping cider because
I forgot my painkillers at work... and lover looks
over at me from the living room with this
weird look on his face.

what, I snap defensively, aware that I am
a total fucking mess. and he shakes
his head and laughs and says,
nothing. I just - I just love you so much.
come here and let me hold you.


and what on earth could I possibly be missing
that isn't right here.

---
© 2013 - 2024 this-epiphany
Comments13
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
flummo's avatar
That's just lovely.